Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Attn :: Men of Baltimore

To the men who feel obligated to stop me on the sidewalk to make comments about my legs,

Look. I know my socks are super awesome because I wouldn’t wear them if they weren’t. In fact, they’re so awesome, when my neighbor gave them to me she said, “I think you might like these, I’ve had them since the 70’s and never wore them because they’re ridiculous.” I can only imagine that she meant to say awesome, that she never wore them because they are awesome. So yes, I like them too.

But please, PLEASE do not tell me how awesome my tattoos are. They’re not tattoos. They are awesome socks. And anyone who decides to get tattoos from their feet to their knees is stupid because that’s a stupid tattoo. Sleeves are fine, but not kneehighsocktoos – I don’t even know what to call them because no one does that because it’s stupid.

I’m not mad that you think my socks are awesome. I not mad that you think my “tattoos” are awesome, but do not stop me to ask if you can take a picture of my legs. And do not stop in the middle of the road in your white stalker van, blocking traffic, cars backing up, whizzing by, horns blaring, JUST so you can yell out “I like your tattoos!” Because… what do you think will happen? That your comment will make my panties drop? That your comment will make me realize that we were destined to be, and while you sit there idling, awaiting my response, I’ll come running over and jump into your van and we’ll ride off in the three o’clock sunlight – because it isn’t sundown yet, oh but we’ll drive until it is.

And to the mister with the white button up and Pest Control embroidered over the left breast, did you think I’d go all sexy-up-in-the-air-leg-pose because I’m a young college girl and damn if Girls Gone Wild hasn’t taught us that these are moments when a girl’s low self esteem just SHINES. What would you have done with it? Would you have shown your friends? Maybe uploaded it to facebook. You would say, “Hey, lookit this girl’s tattoos, they look like socks!” And someone would reply, “Man, that girl has low self esteem.”

While I think that these socks do deserve the attention that you are throwing at them, anyone who has tattoos that looks like socks is dumb and therefore your attention is dumb. Don’t get me wrong, I like tattoos, even have a few. But don’t get mad when I laugh at the look on your stupid face as I roll down my socks and say “THEY’RE JUST SOCKS.” Awesome socks.


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